i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
so basically i'm the" little sister", he's the "big brother" and we just fucked
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
We need a shit load of segways right now
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
He compared my ass to "a 13 year old track star's ass." Umm WTF? Is that supposed to be a compliment? And when I questioned boy or girl he said "either."
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
Randomize
