FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
so we have officially lost him as of 7 hours ago.. already called campus security, the drunk tank and the hospital. figure he'll turn up eventually..
i'll start checking the bushes on campus.
I will be your sherpa up the mountain of gayness
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
I called him and he said hell call me back hes in the middle of his kareokee song he was out by himself and his dog
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
I swear to god, no guy has been as interested in sticking stuff up my butt as this girl
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