In the future we'll all be gay
then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
He used Kanye West lyrics to justify what happened and I accepted his logic
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.