I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
i googled "where to have sex in disneyland." i found nothing.
Congrats to the girl that left her positive preggo test in the bathroom...
I got head to The Nanny. Officially gay.
This Girl Got Ghosted By Her BF Of 5 Years While On A Trip They Took For Her Birthday
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
Ok see being that I'm not present or participating your vague texts "neeeeed that" and "vagina" leave a lot to question.
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
People Are Applauding Chrissy Teigen For Getting Candid About Breast-Pumping
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
How dare you not respond to me after opening up a picture of my bare breasts
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
Randomize
