I went to moterboat her and I started laughing, so I just kinda blew on them... I think I'm gona call that move the sailboat.
He was a level 5 clinger dude i dont need to be told how ridiculously awesome i am all the time, if so id just hang out with my mom
i think that dennys waitress has my boxers
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
Did i fall last night when u carried me home.
idk
OHHH yea you fell down the stairs face first
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
Randomize
