we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
we are still finding bottels filled with his pee. tom almost drank the one in the frig
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
He is full of southern hospitality and I want to be full of him.
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
We got really high and he took a green marker and made my vagina into a Christmas tree.
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
Randomize
