So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
he just kept going up to random asian girls and yelling at them for breaking up the beatles
i think of them as a grilled chicken salad and a fried chicken biscuit. obviously Amy is better for me, but when i'm eating her all i can think about is how much better the blonde must taste.
we need a dd. For wednesday. At lunch. What are we doing with our lives?
succeeding
Do you know how hard it is to write about pediatric crohn's when we're trying to figure out the keg situation for graduation?
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
Hyyypothetically, what would you do if you happened to see my boobs on the internet?
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
Randomize
