God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
she's telling me all about the love triangles of her sims. you tell me how it's going.
Yo. I have a shitload of cardboard. We have to build a smoke hut in the smoke room with a tunnel connected to a cat house. This way the kitty can join us whenever she pleases
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
No really tho I'm wearing a chucky cheese shirt and yoga pants. If that doesn't scream no sex idk what does
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
I guess I'm open to more types of dick now
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
Rarely does a man I fucked with upgrade from me
We are taking a shrt nap on the sidewalk cme fine me if you want but dont wake me up
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