Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
My body is telling me there was tequila. My pictures say it was Jeff's fault
ditto.
about cumming, not toast
Do you remember whose house we're in?
It's the kind of dick you travel across the country for
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
I possibly am a tad bit not really but maybe slightly intoxicated.
this strobe light makes my body turn on and off
27 year olds can still do oral in a car right? Or is that trashy?
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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