You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
He violated my cat. I was not impressed.
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
I've made a list of places I want to have sex this summer. #1: Reptile House at the zoo.
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
I just rolled over in bed and felt a bump. Turns out it was a lil nug. Talk about being princess and the weed.
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
She said to call her, so I called her. Her boyfriend answered and traced the fucking call. I could litterally hear him yell because it turns out he lives in 4d
Don't you live in 4c?
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
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