i just sent this text using only my big toe
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
well i just set every background of each phone in the verizon store to my face
I mean, it's free alcohol, to turn it down would be a crime against humanity.
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
she broke my one feeling. seriously I think she broke my dick.
Apparently he took me home and I pulled up my senior pictures on fbook and made him guess what I was thinking during each different pose.
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
Your cousin just directly asked you for nudes
so apparently over the course of the night my roommate and i had sex in exactly the same spot. ps the downstairs sink needs cleaning.
Randomize
