A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
Do you think flip cup during wine tasting is a bad idea? They're perfect flipping cups...
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
I am never taking advice from you again. The high heels in the shower were a bad idea. I orgasmed and almost drowned.
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
He paid the bartender with money from the tip jar then proceeded to hit on me in front of my date. I love frat dances
My 19 year old brother just hooked up with his 45 year old cougar kindergarten teacher. These sorts of situations make me realize why the sorority girls call him Wondercock
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
Randomize
