He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
I can't wait to find out the true size of his penis! Please maintain enough sobriety for an accurate report.
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
We picked up some guys dressed as shamrocks at taco bell. I will text you with further information.
All I could think about while he was going down on me was that his moustache reminded me that I want to try something new with my pubic hair.
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
Having to do the walk of shame on crutches was defiently a first for me. cheers to the governor, klove
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
I only gave you one rule about using the beach house: don’t get cum on anything!
You’ve seen my tits! You had to know that rule was unrealistic! Does it help that he was really cute?
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