I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it
Sunshine is the equivalent of sprinkling whore pellets on campus.
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
No more stories ab the wkend for co-workers... No one else found "and I didn't have pants on when I got home Saturday night" as funny as I did.
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
I just had a drunk lesbian experience.... How do I break it to my boyfriend??
I heard a crunch while giving him head. I looked up and he was eating Cheese Itz. So we made a deal that he'd take a hand job so I could eat them too.
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