I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
he urdandictionary'ed 'tease' on his phone and made me read through all the definitions. Am i really that bad?
You slept in the bed with him... with your top off.... and just made out with him....
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
He won't let me have sex with him, but feels bad if I won't let him get me off. It is the weirdest, best, most confusing pseudo relationship I've been in.
i noticed he has a cardboard window on his car and he told me he locked his keys in his car and had to break in...this only makes him more appealing
He took off his priest costume and proceeded to dryhump the teletubby.
how do you always get into these "we banged the same dude now lets be friends" situations???
is there a line between daddy kink and oedipus complex?
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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