Do I give off a "I have a sex tape" vibe???
I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
Chipotle...archenemy of the gay man. Cockblocking me since 1997
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
Randomize
