Oh, don't even get me started. Harry Potter is so pure. Twilight is just teenage girl porn.
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
I have a test in the morning in sign language about signs for drugs and alcohol use. Im drunk and rolling a blunt. I've never felt so confident about a grade in my life.
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
I would have been the big man on campus...just flop my wang out on the table and how them what they were gonna deal with if they dropped the soap
I can't get over how you look like his sister and he wants to fuck you.
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
BTW, does Anne know that we used the lipstick she is currently wearing to was used to write the word "ASS" on my ass cheeks last night?
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
someone is getting fuckign RAWDOGGED on this campus as we speak and it makes me FURIOUS
Randomize
