It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
Don't interrupt me, I have a limited time to be high and thus be remarkably good at Pac Man
In attempts to Not be THAT GIRL in front of my new crush I will only drink a 12 pack instead of my normal case.
And then she started grabbing onto random guys legs, asking their names, and if they wanted to be friends... Haha, I love when the girls my ex's are dating are total drunken whores.
she is like cheap alcohol. you can only get so buzzed before you get sick.
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
His parents know me as "the white shoed screamer"
It is completely possible to eat beef jerky sexually.
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
Randomize
