There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
she thought don quixote was a type of tequila.
He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
We lost Kevin again. Probably kidnapped by fattie 2 or butter-face 2 from last night. We need names and any information you can give us. Last scene with his shoe laces converted into a belt.
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
I feel like one thing if I have going for me is that my bed looks like a nice place to have sex
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
I'm still not sure how to feel about the fact that we had a threesome with a guy the same age as my dad
Whatever you wanna call it i just wanna get railed tonight
You fucked him, didn’t you?
He showed up at my house with tacos, rum and a negative Covid test. Of course I fucked him. I’m just a simple girl that likes tacos, not Margaret Thatcher!
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