Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
I'm beginning to worry that I seem to get along best with people when I'm naked with them.
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
No I did a yoga dvd and hit my ex up via email for some pot in exchange for his mail.
What did we do lastnight that resulted in a $1,896 charge on my credit card with a $2,000 limit
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
Alcohol. Making me feel good about myself since 2008
I did put on a shirt to start the night, right?
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
Randomize
