You American Chicks are so confusing....1 day you are on my nuts next day you be trippin
Dude its not just American chicks...a small penis is the same in every language
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
Sometimes I wonder why.. Then I realize I can't fool myself with that question bc we all know it's bc of his enormous dick
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
Randomize
