This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
Haha so I huess that means he's a little over 7. I can use my throat as a ruler!!
One less school supply you need to buy!!
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
In all fairness I didnt see your dick because it was already in her
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
You were all "think outside the box, inside the bag!" as you filled your camelback with beer.
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
Randomize
