I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
I'm pretty sure I'm almost gay. Like, I'd do it if I had no choice. Like, if i were in prison I'd try it.
I had it in my eyebrows, my bangs, under one eye, and across both cheeks. Congratulations on the successful and elusive warpaint cumshot.
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
Well we didn't hook up. Maybe from his girlfriend's point of view, but not mine.
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
Is 28 too old to get fingered in Centennial Park? Asking for a friend.
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
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