I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw
It was odd. His friends dick tasted the same as his. Friends are beginning to have to much in common
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
So you get idea of what my night was like, I woke up this morning and the back of my head was orange
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
Just finished 151. Eating nutella off a spoon. Bring condoms.
Randomize
