I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
just threw up on my speech test, so much for a great semester
I used the picture of my mom and I doing blow job shots in Vegas in the presentation for my Spanish final. Graduation here I come.
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
Pavlovs bj experiment 2012. Welcome to the program.
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
BTW, Julia referred to you as a power bottom. Are you available?
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
Randomize
