At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
Im already sauced. Have been for hours. Its kinda my thing.
i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
What is an appropriate "thanks for saving my life" gift? I don't have any experience with this.
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
I'm pretty sure I went in the girls bathroom and vomited everywhere then looked for a urinal for like 20 minutes
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
Randomize
