you turned your livingroom into a bong?
haha my mom just sent us out to go to all of the hair cutting places to ask for hair because deer ate all our zuchini.. and we have to pee in a bucket all day cause deer hate urine. please tell me we are normal?
i cant lie to you.
you just used "cock block" and "youth group" in the same sentence. somethings wrong with you.
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
All I've done this weekend is cum and drink. I think it's safe to say I'm dehydrated.
I did the walk of shame this morning and his mom hugged me in the driveway
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
hey man , the girl you brought home last night is in the kitchen puking in the sink and asking if she can have more shots of Whiskey....think i should give her a shot glass or send her home....
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Randomize
