Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
the liability waiver did not state that i couldn't bring my bottle of wine in the bouncy castle. it did Not.
and she was petting her beer can
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
All I know is I had a penis in one hand a bottle of wine in the other
We were naked in bed for hours and we didn't have sex. Either he's gay or he wants to respect me. Neither of which I approve of.
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
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