Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
You know there's only so much I can do with a great personality.
Only thing I know is apparently I danced with a bouncer and we got a ride back from a valet who was driving one of the cars he was supposed to be parking
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
Want to get high and go thrifting? I'm trying to succeed making my dorm look like a deranged Applebees.
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
Are you two whores ready for me to turn the light on so you can see what you came home with last night?
easter 2014 is on 4/20 THIS IS NOT A DRILL YOUR FAMILY WILL EXPECT YOU TO BE HOME AND SOBER I REPEAT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
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