I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
yeah a little bit of me felt bad about it. But the rest of me was having sex with him.
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
So his roommate walked in on us, went upstairs to tell her bf she has found a new use for the rafters & they must try it.
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
Let's stay in this weekend and play drinking games to the Winter Olympics.
As long as we can drink anytime we see a stray dog, mafia looking Russian or double toilet.
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
My tits became the mascot for the SAE house last night.
WINE AND FILM. TALK ABOUT AN UPGRADE FROM NETFLIX AND CHILL.
i cant hook up i'm covered in egg rolls
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
Randomize
