is it sad that pink shorts and cowboy hats remind me of getting jizz in the hair?
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
I'm gonna make this happen. You think it would be too forward to text him my room number with turn by turn directions straight to my crotch?
There are too many people on this bus for it to be even REMOTELY okay that I'm wearing a puke covered sweater
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
Another day, another engagement, another cat
I'll make some time for you! I don't know how long you need to get off, but I should only need 2-7 minutes, pending what kind of socks I have on.
There should be an open time period where you show each other your goods and it's totally socially acceptable to bail.
I wholeheartedly concur
He's still short.... And probably a douchebag. But if we ever run into him downtown I fully encourage you to take him home and have "I hate you douchebag" sex and lick every inch of that disgustingly toned chest.
I'm sure there are thousands getting dick today in the name of independence
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
Randomize
