Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
i googled "the goonies drinking game." i may be alone, but i'm living the college dream.
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
I thought one was bad but really there are two woman stupid enough to marry our brother...unreal
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
The coast is clear - also, would it bother you if I chose not to wear pants?
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