its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
Well I sent him a pic of my vagina and sent back a pic of his puppy....so there's that
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
Christ I forgot how flexible you need to be for a decent sext pic. Jesus.
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
Lol, maybe a little bit. I don't know. I don't keep a super keen memory log of dicks honestly.
She calls him the walking dildo to his face. That relationship is already fucked up.
Randomize
