maybe we dont have boyfriends because we dont have tans
we are driving next to a guy driving and masturbating while looking at a naked magazine. I love LA
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
I love reading their "i love you more" , "no i love you more" war on facebook today knowing that he hooked up with me last night. I bet i know who wins that one.
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
If he sends me a dick pic so help me god.
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
Randomize
