Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american"
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
Just sucked my third dick in the past twelve hours. I must want AIDS.
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
Well the strippers have danced to goo goo dolls and green day, time of your life. Were all gonna commit suicide.
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
hey now, it was 6 bucks for 5 shots. you would have lost your panties too.
Im fairly sure two chicks roofied me last night. Suckers. I love free drugs.
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
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