my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
seeing an 80 year old woman puke in the bushes changes everything...
that's spring break in florida for ya
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
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How many bratwuest were you able to fit in your mouth at one time? It's me, Hans.
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
I'm dealing with this like an adult, cupcakes and beer.
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I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
He kept squeezing my butt and telling me how smart I was
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
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