He IMed me 5 times, before my homepage even loaded. This is not gonna work out for me
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
it was like having sex with a tree stump
How many ice cream sandwiches is an acceptable meal replacement?
2.5
Do ex girlfriends even count for summer sexcapades. Seems like the damage had already been done
Victory lap
It's official drugs can't kill me
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
How can I politely yet provocatively ask you for a cock shot?
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
someone just "made it rain" kraft processed sliced cheese. i forgot what it was like to be home...
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
Randomize
