The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
It must have been true love
I don't call true love eating a bag of doritos and then going down on each other
Do they make some cleansing product for your soul? Like mouthwash that makes you not a skank? Or is that what religions for?
Eh, i think it's called sobriety. But its not fun.
you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
Ps there is nothing more humbling in the world than havin to watch cheaper by the dozen on the waiting room tv while getting the morning after pill at the drs. Nothing
So I walk in and he's teaching someone in London via Skype how to roll a blunt. I have new found respect for him.
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
I don't care how great the sex was, I cannot unsee what has been seen. I regret ever stalking his Facebook.
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
Idk... he wears anklets.. i dont think i can get past that.
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
Randomize
