I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
We already established this. No, he did not cum on the dog.
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
Randomize
