I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
Randomize
