nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
I almost stopped mid bj to let him know I appreciated his balls being nice to look at/have my face near. But I didn't know if that would ruin, or improve the moment.
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
have fuck
*fun
actually forget it have a fuck too it'll do you good
He was publicly touching my boobs before I even knew he's a famous World Cup skier.... That's how hot he was
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
At 10 PM you were shit faced in the kitchen makin nachos... Naked. I wasn't sure what to do besides walk away...
It was a good thing I was on the balcony flashing those guys or I would have never seen her skipping to his car
Randomize
