Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
I'm sure he'll make the rejection quick and completely justified.
Btw I don't have words to express my appreciation at how many times you've had to be on a dirty bar bathroom floor for me in the past two weeks
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
I dunno, there's just something so\ncomforting about having his penis in my mouth.
It was 6am and he went immediately for the 69. WTF?? 6am is WAY to early for acrobatics.
You ever sit back and realize our friendship is based off us ranting at each other with random animal photos thrown in
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
Randomize
