You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
think im gonna go get a six pack before class and sit in the back of the room...
im having a hard time not telling ppl about ur bathroom story
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
I don't know how, but he made a bong out of a hamster wheel. To say I am impressed is an understatement.
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
After last night I think its official. Deep down, we like alcohol more than we like women.
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
He hasn't responded in 6 hours and the last thing he sent me was a picture of 7 grams of coke. I'm getting kinda worried
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
Randomize
