1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
I don't know what you're doing, but there's a dragon on my street.
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
I fatbooth all their pics then decide which one is the cutest even if they gained like 400 lbs and then proceed to fuck him.
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
ive cried into many a lonely burritos..
I have no idea, but there's a bus parked in front of my house and like 6 texts saying im gonna prove my love. this is either really really awesome or really really bad.
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
SOMEONE WITH THE TWITTER HANDLE "METHLAB" FAVORITED THAT PICTURE
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
My Hitachi broke 1 day into this stay home bullshit.
Randomize
