I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
Thanks for having me and my emotional baggage over last night.
Stoned stonnnnnnned on the raaaaange
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
i'm drinking soco out of a mickey mouse cup right now. i love it when college and my childhood meet in the middle.
Can I get high for this class every tuesday? Its like a multi-sensory carnival acid trip.
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
Can we start referring to attractive men as "A fine piece of dick?"
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
Randomize
