Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
"Monday" is guna come over...
but its Thursday?
yeah, but she cant make it.Monday can...so there ya go
I'm someone's dream girl. I'm hungover in this guy's bed wearing ONLY a Brian Westbrook jersey. Not the same I was on a date with last night.
Houston, we have a squirter
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
God he's so convenient, drugs, an parties all in one person. He's like the Walmart of delinquency.
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
So basically he is jobless, a potential serial killer, and has poor taste in music? We simply don't have time for that.
All the doctor said was why
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
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