So me and friend just finished Eiffel towering this girl and sounds great in theory but after the high five has commenced its just a weird threesome especially when you make eye contact with your buddy during the session
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
I feel like someone poured gasoline and bleach in my nose and lit it on fire.
Why! I don't feel that at all!!!! I feel jipped
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
Like I fucked him in the shower at 3 am when I had classes all day the next day so he can't say I'm not dedicated
i do my most serious thinking while screwing her. ive pondered everything from quantum physics to the life cycle of a badger. if i keep this up ill have a phd in no time.
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