he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
By the way, your roommate is right. His penis is much bigger than yours.
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
theres pictures of him knuckle deep in her, both of them thumbs up and cheesin. someone should take her kid away
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
The bald eagles cry cause u drink canadian beer.
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
I take it that, because we are not guzzling a box of franzia, everything went alright?
Nah, this is the University of Tennessee. She'll get the clap, and get busted for having pot in her dorm by spring break. This time next year she'll be part-timing at a community college as a nursing major. So predictable it hurts.
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
Randomize
