if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
just lying in bed drinking beer with a straw waiting for motivation. why?
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
Are you considering all the consequences of doing your boss or are you just rationalizing with your vagina?
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
I'm the girl holding the bag of goldfish
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
Randomize
