I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
He looked at me like he has never had a girl throw up on him before.
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
It's not a good hook up if during you're thinking "how will this damage me psychologically"
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
looked it up online and zoo tickets are only 20 bucks and there's also a museum of science close to the hotel.
i'm not going to a FUCKING museum. i want to be wasted and possibly double penetrated... have you EVER been on vacation?
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
Randomize
