i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
I went down on her for at least a half hour, She loved it, so I thought she'd recip. She said "I only do that if I know I'm getting something out of it."
SHUT IT DOWN.
I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
I wouldn't call us friends exactly. Honestly I just hang out with him so I can hit on his girlfriend. They won't last long, and I'll be there to pick up the scraps
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
Randomize
