insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
you kept typing in answers.com, why are the state police calling my house, expecting an answer
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
well one of us has to be wrong and it's not going to be me
I am the oldest one here and I STILL feel like I need an adult. help.
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
Randomize
