I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
I asked what she wanted from Hawaii. She said a baby like Aaden from JK 8.
where am I supposed to find one of those?
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
It's like she bought one bad life decision and got one free
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
Well Im currently dressed up as batman raiding frat houses for booze
We need a hype man... Like a DMX type dude to just up the ante constantly...
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
Are you telling me right now that the weed man sexted you?
THE WEED MAN SEXTED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
Randomize
