holy crap !! There is a MIDGET FAMILY in one of my rooms today !
How much trouble would you get into if you were to stomp down the hallway while loudly saying 'Fe Fi Fo Fum...'
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
i was enjoying my post acid trip trance a little too much. i found $50 on the sidewalk but didnt pick it up. just stared at the bill cuz it looked cool.
someone picked it up and i stared at the ground where it was for probably another minute or 2
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
I can't put those talents on a resume
But the sex is so much better when he already has a girlfriend
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
Woke up in a car, do you own a silver car parked a few miles form the house...hope so
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
Dude, the worst part is I can't even pretend it didn't happen because she posted a video of it on Facebook.
Randomize
