i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.
I wonder if all of the nights I blacked out will be revealed to me when I die. Have you ever thought about that?
Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
Yeah he kicked my ass... He probably wouldnt have hit me as hard though if I wasnt lauging and yelling " I fucked your sister I fucked your sister" over and over again.
He's sitting on the floor holding his bracket and crying, literally crying... he just keeps saying "Kansas how could you?" over and over
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
Is it acceptable I'm laying in bed drinking airplane bottles?
In our world? Yes, but I'm disappointed yoiu are wasting airplane bottles. Save them for sneaky occasions
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
I can see. My condolences to your vagina.
Randomize
