true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
But I thought everyone had breakup sex?
Just once id like to sleep with a man who i havent thrown up on
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
dude you cant keep breaking into my house just to raid my fridge.. especially at 3AM.
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
So i do have strep. My apologies to the british guy from this weekend. You now have one more reason to hate america
All you have to do is speak. Your voice reverberates strait to my vagina.
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
Randomize
