I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
I had so many friends before that round of Never Have I Ever.
Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
He tried to blame not having a condom on the economy.
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
we should start a freak-out-the-cashier-contest. I just bought JerseyShore Season2, red high heels, and nipple soothing pads
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
Randomize
