I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
people should stop making movies, we'll never top bio-dome.
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
I was looking threw the photos on my phone. There is 8 different ones of us peeing on things.
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
I remember him going "OH SHIT" when he saw you straddling me on the table. And it was like the best feeling ever.
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
I forgot wine drunk hurts
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
I’ve basically been controlling him with my tits for months now, so I can’t even imagine what would happen if I start banging him
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