I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
also, you're talking to the girl for whom "deformed baby arm" wasn't quite a dealbreaker.
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
Just had the weirdest flashback. Did we buy melon, take it into the restaurant and try to make them give it to us as dessert?
Out of beer. Salsa pong. Never again.
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
Randomize
