you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
i love insurance, just had an iv with 4 bags of fluid, 2 shots of finagrin and a 2 hour nap . woke up without a hangover. all for $20
well at least you didnt have sex with him. i feel like a proud mother. you always have sex with them.
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
How do you think the people in my class would react if I ripped all my clothes off and jumped on him right now?
although steph and I had 3 bottles of wine by that point and watched an opera that featured a black dildo so anything was possible really
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
we fucked in the backseat of my car at the observatory, right under the stars. it was a starry, orgasmic filled night
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
i was so blazed last night that i kept imagining a talking eagle sitting next to me encouraging me to smoke more... i listened to it.
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